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damnit, my future is bleak.

before i start studying for my test on thur, i have to get these outta my mind first.

what am i really doing in aussie? i keep asking myself that. but today, i'm serious.

XX's gotten his scholarship from MOH to do something so niche that not many has heard of, let alone pursue. despite this, MOH only gives out 2 scholarships per year. his results were only decent but amidst the competition, he got it. luck? maybe.

im so envious of his intelligence, and more importantly, his determination. this is like the only thing he ever wants to do. he rejected all the universities that accepted him, including dentistry at nus.

watched fame today with the housemates. to pursue their dreams, they can go all the way out and disregard what people think. where did they get the courage from?

but what about me? what am i doing with my life? is this what i really wanna do? am i wasting my youth away here? i dont even know what i wanna do with my life.

im ashamed to say that, since sec4, forensics has been my goal. despite what everyone told me about the field, i just insisted. i changed course in tp, begged my dad to let me come to murdoch. but ultimately, do i really want it? or has the media portrayed forensics to be so cool that subconsciously, i ASSUMED that it was all i ever wanted to do.

maybe, its a you'll-never-know-till-you've-tried kinda thing. if so, do i have to spend 29374 years in uni doing every single course before i really find out what is the thing that i really want most?

i dont wanna be like J, or the old D that i know, switching from one job to the other, starting your own business and folding it after 6 months. you know what. i can totally see that happening to me. just look at my employment history. not a single job lasted for more than a year (fine, a year at most). and what about that manicure business? i stopped right after 2 customers. yea i kept saying that i'm too busy and all. am i really? or am i just plain lazy and not making the effort?

M says that he wants to get married by 27. which made me think, yea maybe getting married early is better. i dont have to worry so much about what to do with my life. i'll just live off my husband and then i can job-hop without worrying about supporting the family right?

but what if i meet with the same fate as J? what if i got a divorce and am stranded with 2 kids, with poor employment history and a lack of experience? who'll be willing to hire me? what am i gonna do to feed the kids?

bottom line is, what the hell should i do with my life?

on a lighter note. i really duno if i should have my 21st party ): i really wanna meet everyone i like but where am i gonna find the time? i only have like less than 2 mths ):

but i dont have the time to plan for the party either! stupid exams ): and i dont wanna do the hosting shit too ): and i duno what theme to use since now jade's thinking of doing casino royale too ))): arghhhhhhhhh

3 months ago

i rmbr you asking me, sheena, how come you have 500 over friends on facebook?

and i told you, i duno, primary school, secondary school, jc, poly, cca, uni and random friends?

then you asked, do you know all of them?

and i said, yea, duh. why would they add me if i dont? or vice versa.

so i thought to myself, for you to ask me this question, you must have only a handful on your list right.

then i went back and saw your fb acct, true enough, there were 300 over on your friends list. i dint judge you or anything, in fact that's quite alot, considering the fact that you were from jc and no other ccas, stuff like that. being low profile in uni (i am too, but at least i hang out more). anw, who keeps track of how many friends one have on fb?

and just now i went to your profile again. accidentally, i scrolled down and saw (GASP!) 6XX friends. so i thought again, is this ___'s profile? i glanced up and OMG YES IT IS!

weird, i thought. 3 months ago, you only had 300+ and now you have 6XX right after you asked me that question.

and everything falls into place now. you wanting to join orientation all of a sudden. you telling me about so-and-so whom i clearly duno at all. you in all the photo albums of the "happening" people in uni. you FLARING UP AT ME IN SCHOOL in front of carmen and kobi. you yelling WHAT THE FUCK to me.

you've changed. you've grown up. good for you, no longer the innocent and naive ___ i know.

but, i dont think you're the friend i had anymore.

oh btw, popularity isnt measured by the number of friends on your fb list. some people have 1000 over but duno half of the list. there's NO freaking formula. maybe you duno that, cos you're a studious lil jc girl.

back in perth

new house

new housemates

new room

new keys

new suburb

new vespa

new classes

new classmates

new projectmates

how can so much happen in 1 month? so surreal, i feel like im here but not actually living.

where are you? i need you.

遺忘

和人家不同的是，我不像他們一樣幸福。

我不像他們一樣被愛。

我不像他們一樣被想念。

我不像他們一樣濄得恨開心。

我甚至覺得我的存在根本不重要。

既然如此，我還留在這里幹嘛。

WARNING. NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED.

i tell you. i just got a shock of my life ):

ytd gran bought pink dragon fruit and because no one wants to eat it (ITS FREAKING PINK, DUH. who would wanna?) i had to finish the whole damn thing myself. dragon fruit overdose.

and just now when i went to shit, i saw BLOODY RED POO.

i was yelling inside OMG BLOOD!!! i was about to cry ):

i duno what got into me but i was still calm enough to go investigate the poo though i was about to faint. hahah. but i was like fuck la get outta here then decide what to do.

so i wiped my ass and saw dots (ewww) hahahaha then it dawned on me that it's the dragon fruit -.-

sighs dragon fruit. 真是害人不淺啊。

happy 2010?

new year. but it wasn't a very happy start.

first of all, mahjong then gek stayover-ed at my place and pool at ehub the next day (tio trash ah lol i stink at pool). then very impromptu, leslie came and meet us. the initial plan was to go to the art museum while waiting for jun to end work but stupid les took such a long time to reach hahha. okay la not his fault.

anw les' bro drives like a madman :X

and received bad news from cyn ):

after starbucks with jun, we went back to leslie's to pick up the car, ruby and bel then jalan kayu for prata. sighs, we talked like a good 3 hours or so. then came the best part.

on the way home, what leslie said really made me feel very useless. i mean i'd always known that i'm not a very good friend. i'm aware of it, in fact gek and i were just talking about it during the morning. i'm guilty of it but i duno why i keep making the same mistakes.

i know blaming my forgetfulness isn't going to help but it really is the case. yea you can also say that i'm not making the effort. maybe that's true. but i really really tried. which is why ultimately, i believe that the memory's the culprit.

but the night went so badly that i'm like super emo now.

anw congrats to leslie la lol. that's probably the best thing that happened to tonberry the entire day.

sigh wanted to blog about my new year resolutions but yoga lin made me really emo ): tmr then.

and i think dad's really missing.

我没有说谎 我何必说谎 你知道的 我缺点之一就是很健忘