the art of letting go

so weird to just turn to this dead space now, especially when i don't want him to see this at tumblr.

i hope that this post would be the last ever post in blogger. i really don't wish for similar things to happen again ):



anw. after so many months of struggles, it's finally over.

if you ask me right now, "are there any regrets?" i would probably say no. looking back, i realised that i gave it my all, more than any other times before, even though there were times when i held back. i didn't wanna ruin it and i wanted to take it slow. unintentionally, my constant fear had taken over the entire situation. at first, it was the fear of falling for him. then there was the fear of us being more than friends. we had so many memories together and i grew up a lot more with him. he taught me to pursue my dreams and not to let anything hold me back. he got me addicted to it, and now it is indispensable in my life. i didn't want to lose the kind of friendship that we had.

i decided to give myself time to think about it during my hongkong trip, i gave myself 2 weeks. but i had never given up hope. i was holding on to it, silently wishing for him to make the first move. i was still madly in love with him, but i couldn't bring myself to tell him. i was scared that i wouldn't be good enough for him. i was afraid that by letting him into my life, it would change everything. i was afraid if anything had happened to us, our studies would be greatly affected. what should happen to our group project if we were to become awkward in the future?

i chose to keep quiet. and without knowing, while i left him... he gave his heart to someone else. it had only been one week. i guess, i deserved it. just as i was confused whether or not to take the friendship to a higher level, he walked away from me with no feelings left. i could see it from his eyes, hear it from his voice, feel it from our conversations, sense it from our distance, that he has no more feelings for me.

that day, he told me after lecture, "no, i'm just waiting for my friend." those words were enough to kill me. so many months of memories, easily replaced just like that. i don't know if this is a blessing in disguise or not. after all, i saw what a jerk he was. i thought that he will always have a special place in my heart, irreplaceable. but no, silly. i admit that when i think of him now, i feel sad. but the sadness was not because of him, but for him. i feel sad for him that he treats friendships so lightly. perhaps its was M's credits that i managed to get over him so fast, or perhaps its was because i probably didn't love him enough.

i am happy for him, i know that he had found himself a good girl, someone who will love him more than i do. but deep down, the wound's gaping. yes, slowly, but gaping. i don't believe in love anymore. just by a short separation of 2 weeks, everything's gone. my heart had hurt a lot. i've cried enough and i'm moving on. but the months of memories... i am still unable to detach and erase them all at once. i wonder how he did it. this break actually made me realise that our friendship wasn't as strong after all. i was probably not good enough for him.

i will make this pain worth it. i will continue to work hard, do my best and strive beyond my limits to become a better artist. with or without him. you two have my deepest blessings (:




i was a little saddened that i couldn't to tell this to many of my close friends. i thought that they wouldn't wanna hear that or maybe they don't feel close with me ): the only people i had confided in were J, E, M and A. thank you guys so much. i don't know what would become of me if not for you guys. surprisingly, i didn't confide in F, G or B. everytime i started to bring it up to them, the topic would be steered away. intentionally or unintentionally, i don't know. but i didn't wanna be a burden to them, so i kept it inside and put up and strong front.




that is my only regret. not being able to be closer to G and B, and especially F, when she's the one i love the most. it might a good thing though. often, its the closest people that you hurt the most. by not being a burden to them, i minimise giving them trouble, and hopefully, they don't get sick of me.

okay time to pick up the broken pieces. clear the mess and pull up my socks. learn to deal with all the challenges and obstacles. i learnt the hard way, i will not give up, i will become a better person, not for anyone else. but for myself (:

literature review and portfolio concept, here i come!! :D