but i dint feel as happy as i imagined myself to be, yea maybe for a few minutes at first. because that meant more petrol erp parking coupons and carpark charges ):
uwa application's deadline is 28nov.
darn it. too many things going through my mind. but it all boils down to 2. money, and family.
i know i'd really be disappointing jiemin if i backed out now. the truth is, i really wanna go! but we really cnt afford for me to continue my studies now with the financial crisis going on. god knows when this whole freaking thing will end.
i can just go ahead and apply for all i want you know. but i dont want to get to know that im accepted and then disappointed for not being able to afford to go. i'd rather not have the hopes at all.
interning sucks. i hate the mundane job of weighing and sonicating and filtrating and printing out the freaking no-brainer chromatograms. seriously, its such a no-brainer it takes not more than an olvl cert to do it. no wonder they accept poly interns. i mean technically, we're only olvl grads.
the more i interned, the less i wanna continue in this field. i duno whats still keeping me going on the job, the grade for major project maybe. the passion, when i first joined, is gone. not even when i watch my favourite tv show. okay not much link there but at least im still coherent.
it could have been worse, lets look at it this way. i fought all the way, from sajc to htm to bms to arguing with vijaya and chuakimsuan just to get in this place. now that im in it, i
at least, INTERNING IS FREE! not.
ive spent so much on apparel, food (maybe not as much, i dont even have time for lunch/dinner!), TIME, and ive sacrificed going out, dance sometimes, and STUDIES no less. my mp/sip logbooks almost empty, freaking dpp's not done, and im at such disadvantage. us, the non-pharmacy technician assistants dont get to bathe ourselves with parcetamols and asprins and cough syrups everyday. i bet you we will be the ones who'll get a D for dpp.
and the group members are not helping! so much for being considerate.
speaking of which. i think pst is either too small, or the ppl in there are just too studious. it seems like its so difficult to get friends there. and i dont mean hi-bye kinda friends. what i really need is friends who dont only talk me when they have a question regarding school work, or who skip classes and ring me up only to borrow notes. its just that everyone's known each other since yr1 and are on really good terms with each other, have their own cliques and stuff. i just dont know how i can wedge myself in without feeling too deliberate. i know i needa put myself out there, but i just cant seem to find anyone who'll accept other ppl.
was out with jiemin ytd. i really agree with what she said about him. but it only make me think of whats happening to us. does she feel of me the same way? i duno, there are stuff i can tell her, which ive never told anyone else, just like things i can tell emily/jun but not themselves. its so weird that, im like hiding stuff about them but confiding into others. its all back to the i-cnt-bring-myself-to-tell-you-that kinda feeling.
i do seem to have a knack for linking thoughts tgt. because this brought me to something i read at huanyuet's blog. i dont want us siblings to seem like total strangers after my many years of being away from home. especially since i only fly home once a yr.
because this is another reason for making me reluctant to go aussie. i cnt bring myself to tell them that. blame it on the ego. the whole family's full of it anyway.
the other day, i was contemplating whether or not to tell her that. i knew the consequences if i did. but i still gave it a shot. true enough, it was as i expected to be. to date, its been more than a week and its still the same situation. because of the ego.
i know that this cnt carry on. yea it would be the most obvious and sensible thing to put down that freaking big E word with caps and take the first step. the thing is, it really isnt my fault. okay maybe its not about who's fault it is over here. but the character-in-concern isnt me.
whatever. i duno how long this will last but i reakon its not gonna be anytime soon, considering that big fat ego if hers.
ive alr tried my best, what more does everyone wants? rmbr the day she passed on, everyone told me to be strong, that i have to be jiejie, daughter, mummy and home-maker now. i know that and i did all i could. i know she needs a mummy, given her maturity and character, but she definately doesnt want one. or maybe not even a sister.
my virus' not planning to go away. its been a week and im feeling really terrible. at times, i just wanna cuddle up to mummy/daddy and get a big hug and who knows, maybe that thermophillic virus will be overwhelmed with family warmth and might even kill him. hahaha yea maybe that'll do the trick.
the other day, i went back to dbs rochor to get my payslip plus visit the colleagues. bought awesome j co's for them. 2 dozen, lol. darn expensive. anyways, zain and mich were excited at seeing me at first, but then they told me about the retrenchment. oh, that was the day the news came out. i was reading the papers before i left home. sighs. i was telling weekiat how lucky i was to have left before the retrenchment but he said i was stupid, should have stayed till the retrenchment, cos there will be pension. hahaha i dint know la, im only a temp!
im trying very hard to accomodate. its not easy, but i duno how the rest can do it. if they can, so can i. but its been all one-sided. if its alr like this now, what about next yr, and the following one?
hahah can you see im trying very hard to not type with lahs, lehs and lors, becasue if i really were to go aussie, i'd better start brushing up on my humiliating language. but all this blogging is giving me a headache. i think i should go bake some cookies for the colleagues and do my dpp afterwards. shit that.
