hmm.

first update: sunday

woohoo! finally i digged out the abba gold cd from my dad's collection piling up in his car.

dancing queen! yes! the all time favourite. been listening to it for so many times but i still dont understand what on earth are the 2 girls singing about cos i dont have the lyrics.

dancing queen. young and sweet, only 17.
dancing queen. feel the beat from the tambourine.
you can dance, you can jive. having the time of your life.
see that girl. watch that scene. dig in the dancing queen.

you're in the mood for dance. and when you get a chance..

oh im so addicted! im gonna get the lyrics from michelle.

er. school tmr. hope she comes.

jansen is blaming me for canceling tuition. what? you nv take me to cheese cake cafe still dare to say! btw his msn pic looks so funny.. a photo taken together with weini. lolx


2nd update: tuesday

went to precious thots just now and i dint bring enough money. so was borrowing money from winnie for like almost everything. busfare, present, wrapping paper..

wanted to buy a card too actually but no money. too bad. and the salesgirl was.. damned nice can! nvm im not supposed to say.

then saw ks, cheng and shawn there too. winnie saw weishan but i dint. =( too bad.

saw nisa, fathima, umairah too. but umairah dint see me.

then i wanted to go ntuc to buy sushi. im craving! but no money..

i dont like being broke. someone lend me money please.

actually i wanted to buy hillsongs cd for her but, i remembered promising her that i'll buy her that ceremic cross. so..

anw my sis took the same bus as cheng but he dint see her. when she told me, i thought she was talking about my neighbour.

fiona: just now i saw the guy staying opp. [cheng stays opp our BLOCK]
me [thinking she talking about the guy opp our FLAT]: hah? good for you lorh.
fiona: i took the same bus as him.
me [feeling little bit blur]: bus? i thought he takes taxi one?
fiona: dont know leh. he take sling bag one right?
me [even more blur]: huh? no what. he usually take backpack one. maybe today he change bag cos i nv take same lift as him so nv see him ma.
fiona [also blur]: i thought he same class as you?
me [very blur]: huh? he what school i what school?
fiona [totally blur now]: im talking about cheng hwee leh!
me [finally]: chey! i thought you talking about our neighbour!

damned funny man she. but so sian diao. this is what i call niu2 tou2 bu1 dui4 ma2 zui3.

i really shdnt be here now. only 9 more days to exams and i here blogging.

she told winnie that she doenst have anything to say to me. how sad. is it really true? she really doenst have anything to say to me? fine i wont try to talk with her anymore.

i hope. i hope i can do it. as in, trying not to talk with her.

its so sad. so pathetic. im like so hyper during other lessons but so quiet during chinese and physics.

and shes like.. cant wait to leave her seat during chi lesson. as if she cant stand another second sitting with me.

anw. i shall go.

bye world.

feelings-less

winnie dear, thanks for your advice. i will try and talk to her.

and then i realize how much i'll miss all the sec4s next year. the feeling was still not that strong during the prelims. or on the way there. i will miss peizhen cos i like disturbing her so much. hahas

i wonder who will be the chairman for co next year. hope its either jessy or yile. okay not because they're my juniors but they are really capable. the rest of the juniors simply suck.

when they were announcing the new committee earlier this year, im SO ANGRY shiwei dint get chairman. i mean PLEASE she deserves it in every way. fuck. and i must admit i was disappointed cos i wanted secretary so much. nevermind.

i was fiddling with my calculator when weini asked me if she can borrow it. then i dropped it. IN THE DUSTBIN. it went PIANK damn loudly. damn paiseh can. she was quite shocked. and i saw her raising her eyebrows. argh. she thought i was excited or sth. i just HAPPENED to drop it lorh. grrrrr.

oh yah! somehow shena said something like ken is really the joker of our platoon. and i was like no la hes not the joker. hes THE JOKE. it was damn funny! and quite true as well.

sheesh. my life is sad. very sad. theres like only 2 places i go to: school and home. and therefore my entries are either about school or tuition. cos theres nothing much happening at home.

i found out that recently there are so many misunderstandings going on. yah i agree that all these are just minor problems but it affects me ALOT.

i care, i really do. because all these misunderstandings are caused by miscommunications. and all of them are linked to my friends.

i said ive never been close to jo and guixian, its because they used to have each other. im there for a reason. to be sort of lightbulb. and momo, shes just everything shui bian. she doesnt really care if she has a best friend or not. she told me shes used to being alone.

the defination of best friends: you think of them whenever you want to do something, eat, go out, study. you would ask yourself should i ask him/her along?

i feel very left out. all my "friends", they dont really think of me. the feeling is terrible, its as though no one cares about you.

im not ashamed to say that i need friends. im very afraid of lonliness. i had happy times with my bunch of friends, be it jo, gx, momo or shiwei, dh, she, qinning, lerling..

i realised ive been crying alot these few days. especially when i start blogging.

something happened today in school. lerling told me sth. sth about jo telling kaising sth and she overheard. i dont wanna say out cos it'll tarnish jo's name.

but because of it, i almost cried during ussr today.

and when winnie told me what she told HER, i almost cried too. she thought i was angry with her. and i thought she was angry with me.

and i dont know why i always have to be the one who gives in first. then and now. i always tell myself no i cant give in, its not my fault. but in the end.. maybe its because i treasure the person so much.

i just hope i will never have to cry again.

__t e a r s*

i really have no idea what on earth is happening to us.

we dint quarrel or bicker or whatsoever.. but why are we so distant now?

every physics/chi lesson, she seemed so near.. yet so far..

am i being too sensitive or what? i keep having this kind of feeling.. like shes avoiding me.. on purpose..

i tried means and ways to try and get to talk to her but she doesnt seem to care. i thought at first, she dint want to reply me cos she tired or bad mood or what, but i tried to talk to her on other days shes still like, give me that kind of i-dont-feel-like-talking-to-you look.

and that s'pore poly thingy, i told her last time its on sat. she shd know what events she would be having before she gave me an answer. i mean those events are all fixed right. every sat comfirm will have de ma.

and she backed out last minute. is that on purpose?

she really hates me huh?

had i done anything wrong?

its been 20 days [and counting] since we both had a real conversation.

you know, theres this saying that, normal friends think that a friendship is over after a quarrel, but true friends think that a friendship isnt a friendship without a quarrel.

and we dint quarrel. does she think that our friendship is over? is that really what she thinks?

i hope not, shes not that kind of person. i trust her, with my everything.

*wipes away tears* dont cry. *blinks back tears*

we learnt this etiquette thingy at the course at sp. if a person likes you, he/she will cross her legs towards you. if not, he/she will cross it away from you.

i noticed hers today during chi lesson. it was AWAY from me all the time. serious.

i once said that knowing her is my bu xing, because with her sitting next to me, i start talking to her and never listen to teacher. without her, i cant concentrate either.

we used to talk about everything. everything. really. even the ant crawling past our bench. even the wordings that ppl vandalise on the table. everything.

i really treat her as my best friend, but i know she doesnt. it doesnt matter to me as long as she still my friend.

i still treasure you, do you?

haha.

sheesh. havent updated for quite some time. shall explain why.

obviously exams are coming lah, but there are other reasons. shall start from fri.

my mum was having fever for like 2 weeks and its been on off kind. so she went to see the family doc, who said it was virus fever. the difference b/w virus and flu fever is, flu fever is caused by bacteria, germs, like flu and cough. but virus fever.. ah, dont really rmbr.

so on fri my mum decided to go to sgh [s'pore general hospital] for checkup and SHE HAD TO STAY IN HOSPITAL FOR OBSERVATION! argh! so she sms-ed me during amath [last period] and i controlled my tears. haha. and ks saw my sad face and asked whats wrong. thanks ah, hes a nice guy so dok hui! accept him ba!

then waited for shiwei and we walked home together. when we were outside school, i called my mum to ask her which ward shes in cos i wanted to visit her IMMEDIATELY! but no ward avaliable then, so couldnt. ansd she sounded so worried, can hear her sniffing over the phone.

so when i put down the phone, i cried too. thanks shiwei for comforting me and for your tissue. haha

so sat, after the thingy at sp, [which was VERY FUN. trust me, those who backed out, its your loss] i went straight to sgh. well i was practically running all the while. frm mrt station to overhead bridge to bus stop to boarding the shuttle bus to alighting the bus to block 6 to the lift to 4th flr to the ward to the room and to the bed.

i ran like ive never ran before in my life.

so for the past few days, its been like school, hospital, home. very busy.

and im only like 1/8 through my geog revision. [theres geog test tmr btw]

EXAMS ARE COMING.
EXAMS ARE COMING.
EXAMS ARE COMING.

I WILL NOT UPDATE UNTIL THE EXAMS ARE OVER.
I WILL NOT UPDATE UNTIL THE EXAMS ARE OVER.
I WILL NOT UPDATE UNTIL THE EXAMS ARE OVER.
I WILL NOT UPDATE UNTIL THE EXAMS ARE OVER.

i will try.

im sorry...

im sorry. sorry for everything i did these few weeks.

im sorry to everyone i daoed or snapped at. [did i?]

im sorry to everyone who asks me whether im fine or not. because when i said im fine, im lying.

i know yall are concerned but i just cant seem to tell yall the truth.

i know it helps if i let it out of my heart. but..

i've been trying hard to hide my feelings so that none of you would be worried. but.. i dun think i can talk anywhere else except here. but what can i do? time may heal my wounds. but how long will it take? i dont wish to think. but i know i just cant avoid it.

i know i cant turn back time. even though i could, it wouldnt help much.

im sorry if i've hurt any of you with my mixed feelings these days. i know im wrong, but..

i dont know how to explain.

im sorry yall have to hear all this nonsense. i have really no one to share my feelings. it really doesnt matter if no one reads this.

i.. maybe i should go. leave singapore and all.

sometimes it just feels terrible. actually, everything. and i understand why people want to commit suicide. i've thought of dying actually. maybe it really solves everything. but i know i cant. and i wont.

sigh.

my dad asks if i want to go to china to live and study. because he might want to live there for some years. work attachment. so.. yah maybe i should go along.

singapore.. there are too many memories here. i should leave them all here. and start afresh.

whats wrong with me? why am i slacking all the way since sec 3? this way im really gonna flunk o levels.

im sorry. i dint want it this way.

friends. ha. i dont have any. and i dont care.

im really numb now. i cried like an idiot today, when joelle and i were waiting for 307 ppl. for no reason. actually, the same prob [read my previous entrees if you have no idea what im talking about]

im really sorry.

=(

my eye!! i now hurts so badly that i have to bandage it [sort of] and i can only depend on my poor little right eye now. =(

my tummy!! hurts too! ate too fast just now cos was so irritated by my dad.

urgh i feel like vomiting now. ahhhhhhhhh

enough of crap lah. nowadays i have this very weird feeling leh. i really want to graduate asap. i dont wanna stay in evss any more. i hate this school! can someone just burn it down?

i look forward to poly. i really want to try campus life, but come to think of it, maybe jc would be just as nice?

when i start tertiary education, im determined to find a true friend, one who accompanies me to shopping, movies, library, and lastly, treats me like her/his best friend too.

i realised that i have totally different likings compared to normal ppl. okay although, gymnastics, dance, swimming are common, i have some likes that are totally unusual.

fencing, archery, herbs, spices, flowers, vegetables, fighting.. but due to some circumstances i cant do all this.

i cant do gymnastics, fencing, archery [theres no place to do], i cant do dancing, swimming [im too fat], i cant fight [but i like].

when i graduate, im going to attend courses. languages, herbs [not those chinese one, i mean those which have medicinal properties--i drink camomile tea], fencing, archery.

i really look forward to moving house. meaning a new life to me. i think i can only move house when im in poly. new school, new house. yups.

sighs. i havent sighed for a long time. yize says dont sigh, cos you will feel more terrible. but yall might think that i dont sigh, i control it. i sigh, but without sound.

for the past 15 years of my life, i've never felt my heart beating so fast before, but i think my hearts just malfunctioning. i cant be falling in love with him.

i have a weird personality. i seem to be sad all the time, even when im not. maybe its because im so used to it, being sad once has affected me for life.

my problems might seem alot, but these are actually the minor ones that i am able to show it thru my blog. there are still some problems stuck in my heart that i cant seem to say it out. not reluctant to, but i just dont know how to say it.

i can only sigh.

__p i l o t s*

ruski wants to be a pilot!! yays! pilots are cool!

went to the airport to fetch my dad back from china [again]. i mean he goes there so often its like i go to school lor. so whats the use of going to fetch him agian and agian.

anyway the reason for him going to china again is.. erm, i think one of his workers there was supected of murdering his girlfriend or something, so daddy has to go to the court there to do something, i think sign this form that says hes your worker or something. daddy dint tell me.

cool. sounds like kindaichi files huh.

KINDAICHI ROCKS!

oh and guess who i saw at the airport. obviously i saw pilots but no thats not the answer. i saw chen liping and her hubby and their son. haha their son is cute but her hubby sucks to the core. chen liping not that fat what and most importantly, she doesnt have that hairstyle she had in that channel 8 show.

AND i saw 4 american pilots and 5 korean pilots! woohoo! my mom says since you are so obsessed with pilots why dont you marry one. -.- i will dont worry.

NO! i will marry a korean guy! hahas bunny.. rmbr?

summer scent rocks my socks! it is so absolutely nice. [is my spelling correct?]

everytime i say that word absolutely i will think of the song wouldn't it be lovely by elisa doolittle from my fair lady the musical.

Wouldn't It Be Lovely?

all i want is a room somewhere,
far away from the cold night air,
with one enormous chair,
oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

lots of chocolates for me to eat,
lots of coal making lots of heat.
warm face, warm hands, warm feet,
oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

oh, so loverly sitting absolutely blooming still!
i would never budge still spring
crept over the window still.

someone's head resting on my knee;
warm and tender as he can be;
who takes good care of me.
oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

its the very first time i heard the word absolutely. so, ya deep impression. [pri 4 ma that time]

hiroyukitomita.isaoyoneda.takehirokashima

pissed off again.

please lar ppl, stop copying me can? especially you! you saw the thingy that i always write in my book then you copy it and say that its yours. HELLO? i'll give you an example.

[ imissyousomuch ] --- this is what i always write in my books, handbook, textbooks.. you name it.

[ __ days ] --- my handbook has that too.

sounds familiar huh, thats someone's msn nick right now.

i wrap my books in wrapping paper, you do that too.

i write those kind of wordings, you do that too.

i tag my books [those kinda transparent bookmarks you stick at the side of your books], you do that too. [im not refering to you huilin]

enough. stop copying me!

quarrelled with that bitchy sis of mine. who cares. i dont have a sis like her. and her mom go and side her when she's in the wrong too!

kaoz, cnt you see im busy and you still come and bug me with your darned homework. its your own damned problem that you dont know how to do kae, who ask you to be so stupid in the first place.

kaoz, you dont know how to do i have to teach you isit? then what if i dont know how to do then you teach me huh!

kaoz, some idoit go and fuck her please.

im so damned pissssssssssssssssed!!

*slamez keyboard*

sdvgdfvu fqyfPEV jsdblavfsag weh;q FQ;EF QA83Y 8 XCJSfYI!!!!!!!!!

anyway im gonna deleted this entree sooner or later.

fuck.

asshole.

bitch.

kaoz.

you think you chio you great lar.

you think you look like angmoh you great huh.

you dont okay you fucking bastard.

smack your face.

kick your ass.

damned it.

fucker.

sucker.

bastard.

flirt.

prostitute.

you deserve to die!!!!!!!!

urgh. i fell like killing you!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks cheng hwee!

thanks cheng hwee for clearing the misunderstanding! when you told me the story [halfway through] over msn, i nearly cried. omg. thank goodness i dint cry. tears were rolling in my eyes though.

and a big THANK YOU for the songs. >.<

summer scent rocks! thanks mom for the vcd! but i still want the autumm love one, cos joanne bong dont wanna lend me hers. hmrph.

my holiday assignment list for the september hols:

+ chinese-- worksheet, jian bao, zhou ji, tys 2002 & 2003 gong han, bi ji and zao ju.
+ english-- argumentative writing and 2nd draft.
+ geography-- hols manufacturing ind worksheet and mnc worksheet.
+ physics-- moments worksheet and whole of theory workbook.
+ chemistry-- rates of reaction worksheet and hols worksheet.
+ emath-- tys on geometry, statistics and transformation.

phew. alot isnt it. thank goodness i finished amath or else there would be more homework.

i need to edit my template. still have all the links and stuff to add. so those who want me to link them, hurry up!

i think i'll do it now. tata.


2nd update.

im so fucking pissed now.

just leave me alone.

im alr stressed enough and you just had to do that to bother me even more.

fuck it.

and. i just dont understand why pple still talk to you when your status is busy. and its not like they have anything important. it really pisses me off. i mean PLEASE lar you think i put BUSY for fun izt? (no cheng hwee this is not directed at you but everyone)

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

sleepovers rock!

went to joyce's house [not that bitch obviosly] for sleepover. and her mom taught me how to make mooncakes! woohoo! quite cheng gong but the kind of mooncake which requires baking abit shi bai leh.

yah its my fault i read the ingredients wrongly. sorry.

but i like the bing pi one. its easier to make and looks nicer. BUT i like to eat the bake one lah.

well well mooncake festival is coming. rmbr the past two years, we [me, momohead, jo and gx] used to celebrate at sunplaza park. so fun. but too bad. guess this year they're going with joanne and xinyi. =

shouldnt blame them though, jo was my very first best friend in evss. and i really treasure her even though i dont talk to her now. and gx, she's a very nice girl. i really like her alot lor. =(

oh yes! susilo proposed to li jiawei! wonderfulllllll. i was telling kaiwei that women start aging at 25 and men at 35, which is why women tend to look older than men of the same age. so she said then you should go get a guy 10 years older than you, then you will look the same age as him. susilo is 25! :) hahahaha.

sheesh i should have blogged about sleepover. ahhh no time leh.

oh a big THANKS to jun ping!!!!! i just returned her olympic gym tapes :) yay i love jun ping. she has funky green blue and orange tapes. i only have black. eeyer. i want the lime greeeeen :)

TOMITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh god tomita tomita tomita. that time when i was watching at jun ping's house and screaming TOMITA TOMITA TOMITA and she and her brother gave me that -.- look. hahahahaha. oh i like teng haibin and li xiaopeng! the china guys. :) and marian dragulescu. and alexei nemov. and actually isao yoneda.

i hate paul hamm.

actually, i think some pple "discriminate" amy cos she's from china. but please that was 10 years ago. she's singapore citizen at 8 years old. stupid charlene thought she's still PR or something. anyway. cos you dont normally see pple from china looking so non-chinaish. i hope im making sense.

jun ping's brother is so cool can. he's only 18 and he have this HUGE hi-fi set in his HUGE room with a HUGE study table with a TINY labtop on it and he drives a toyota corolla. man, their parents are rich. but come to think of it, all elder brothers are cool.

this is quite a short entree cos im rushing for time!

darned tuition later at 4.30 pm. and i havent even started on my tuition homework. guess i've got to go now or i'll be late for tuition.

bye world.


2nd update of the day.

opps sorry ken i forgot its your birthday today. =X anw many happy returns! [my didi is 15 years old ler wor!]

yippee! going to cheese cake cafe with weini and jansen. its still not comfirmed yet BUT hope they wont disappoint me! *crosses fingers*

anw weini said shd be going ard 11 sept cos still hols ma. hahax yups hope so too.

urgh i feel like killing people. was so pissed off by my mom just now. nvm shan't mention it anymore.

just now when i was having tuition, weini's phone kept ringing until i was so fed up then i gEstured for her to pick it up. she was wondering who was it, so annoying. who else right.

aiyah, anw when weini told jansen she was having tuition over the phone, he said i know you're having tuition with sheena right, she wont mind one lar.

sian diao.

anw gtg now. shall blog again soon. i'll TRY.

what's wrong..?

holidays. well sort of. teachers say this hol is more of a revision week. cant rmbr who but i think it was mr lau.

oh yah hes nice, but abit retarted. everytime we laugh, he will just smile.

today's quite sad. dont know what happened to joelle. hope she hasn't read my blog. she seems angry with me.

anw, if you are reading this..



to joelle:


dedicated to my dearest prettiest lamest crappiest funniest scariest gracefullest muscularest fittest healthiest cutest wittiest smartest chioest loveliest chubbiest funnest adorablest cheesiest FLEXIBLEST wonderfullest greatest superb-est

CHOO HUILIN JOELLE.

I LOVE YOU! always. forever. even though most of the time you're not nice to me because i always irritate you. but still, there are times when i dont! and there are times when you're nice to me as well. yups. so whatever it is, whatever happens, i'll be beside you and behind you. dont forget that i do care.

i take you as my best friends even if you dont.

i just love your cheesy grin. your beautiful smile [trust me]. your sarcarsm. your madness. your terrible laugh. and just YOU. the way you can be yourself, never trying to be like someone else but rather one for someone else to be like.

I LOVE YOU. but dont worry, i dont crush you. im seriously straight. rmbr EHEM?

you should be glad you're popular you know. not everyone can be. i'll say you're politically correct. and not everyone can be so zai at ballet. either scoring full marks or top scorer. i shouldnt boost your ego.

i LOVE you when you're HIGH. serious. because when you're in a good mood, you make me happy as well. you make me laugh when you laugh, even when your joke is not funny.

you're a great friend, seriously. the best dancer and model pupil of evss'04. -grins- the best dancer we have, as i believe. and the best friend i will have.

FRIENDS FOREVER.


i dont know what to say anymore. sorry joelle. dint dare to go up to you when you were lying on the table during chinese lesson. hope you weren't crying. dint know what happened to you and what to say. thought whatever i said wouldnt help at all. but i love you, as always.

feeling numb now. cried after reading jiahui's blog. thanks hui! i'll jiayou!

yesterday during debate meeting, charles said i'll never cry. you're wrong. this shows you dont know me very well. sometimes i have that kind of face because i was reminded of me not having any friends. so cnt help it. im used to having it. it has become a habit to me. but anw thanks ppl for caring.

the world has changed since you woke up this morning.

.

i thought after knowing that uncle victor's gonna teach me how to fly a plane, im never gonna be unhappy again. but, how wrong i was.

yesterday was the day when i finally realised what unhappiness was. i realised that those friends they call themselves, are actually so fake. i thought i have finally met my true friends, but no. i saw their true colours and im not going to trust them anymore. never.

i've learnt how to believe in only myself and not to trust anyone anymore. and to whoever reading this, beware of those so called friends beside you.

i dont ask for anything. i just want a friend who is true to me. just one. is that alot to ask for?

friendster sucks okay. people add those clubs to their friends just because they want themselves to seem as though they have A LOT of friends. no they dont okay. and they like to add people they hardly know or even, dont know at all.

you might have lots of friends. but how many are actually true to you?

there's a side to every man that no one knows or understands. thus, he uses a mask to hide and protect himself.

you think that you understand me? fine let me ask you.

1. what do i do when i feel angry, sad or happy?
2. what am i thinking of when i am silent?
3. how do i feel whenever someone calls my name?

until the day i die, there's no one who truly understands me.

when im using my mask, yall think im not. but when i remove my mask, yall think im wearing it. you think its fun?

1. when im angry, sad or happy, i keep them to myself.
2. when im silent, im thinking of what yall are thinking.
3. when someone calls my name, whether to scold me or not, i will feel very happy. because i know im not forgotten.

i chose this template because it reflects what im thinking right now. this girl really did break down.